


Cinnamon, Vanilla, and My Universe

by scones_and_constellations



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Hunk is protective, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Lance and Keith are bros, M/M, Panic Attacks, Pidge is protective, Season 2, Self-Harm, Shiro and Keith both really need a hug, a little bit of pre-kerb, lots of fluff tho, no beta we die like men, or a lot, or two, pidge is a badass, they are very soft, they get one, voltron is gang gang
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-25
Updated: 2019-11-08
Packaged: 2020-10-27 19:49:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20765984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scones_and_constellations/pseuds/scones_and_constellations
Summary: Keith wakes up from another nightmare, and gets lost in the purple glow of pain. Shiro is on the training deck again with bruised knuckles and teary eyes. Somehow they fit together. Like stars, they form a constellation. But they can't seem to forget the past, or the horrors that lie ahead.





	1. Nightmares

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! This is a WIP and i'm an amateur writer if you can't tell so please don't leave hate :( Constructive criticism about my writing is more than welcome. I might not update this too often because I am very busy but if you actually keep up with my updates you deserve the world. Comments are currency and will actually make my day so please leave them :) *WARNING*: there is some self-harm and panic attacks in this story so please keep yourself safe and do not read if it will trigger you. Thanks for reading!

**Keith**

I wake up in a panic. There’s sweat on my forehead, wetting my hair, drenching my clothes. My fear is thick in the room, the only sound my desperate breathing. I’m gasping, panting, heaving. _I can’t breathe._ I’m suffocating. I kick my blanket off of me like it’s on fire. It makes me think of my father, drowning in flames. Screaming for help, just like me. _But you’re not like him. You’re no hero._ Guilt is heavy on my chest. _I can find you anywhere._ I’m going to get them all killed. He’ll find us, all because of me. All because I can’t throw it away, the only thing I have left of my mother. I pick it up from my bedside, my hands shaking. I catch a glimpse of my reflection in it, my violet eyes and my raven black hair. _Unnatural._ I can see the fear in my eyes, wild, messy, feral. The tears at the corner of my eyes, running down my face. I can’t bear to look at it anymore.

Images flash in my mind so fast that I can’t keep up. _It would be so easy to cut my wrist, to feel something other than fear. Pain._ The purple symbol on the hilt screams at me. I see myself in the grey and pink armor, marching the hallways, flying in the cruisers. His glowing eyes flash in the blade. _Dangerous, like me._ My hands move before my brain has caught up. They cut a single line on my wrist, red following. It’s like I’m in a trance. I’m sleeping beauty, lost in the beauty of the spinning wheel._ I want to sleep._ The knife drags across my skin, burning me. My foot touches the cold of the bed frame. recoil from it. _Freezing, burning, flying, drowning._ It’s all too much, and I feel heavier when the weight of my actions catches up to me. My shoulders slump down like a deflated balloon. My hands quiver. The knife drops out of my hands. I flinch at the sound.

I need a distraction. I can’t be here anymore, with the knife. It’s in a pool of blood on the floor, steadily growing. I hear Lance’s voice. _Keith, stop! What are you doing? Unchain me. Why do you have your_-his screams echo in the silence. All I can see is Lance’s blood on the floor. It’s darker than the red lipstick they all wore to disguise their fake smiles. _What’s your name sweetie? Red lips staining white ears. He’s a troubled child. You don’t want him._ Lance screams again. I feel the red pooling in me, pushing its way up to the surface. _You didn’t hurt him. He’s alive. He’s asleep in his room, with his stupid blue lion slippers on the floor. Don’t let Zarkon get in your head._ But I don’t know what’s real or not anymore. I can’t bear to go to sleep. I know I’ll see Zarkon’s face again, taunting me. _Selfish._ I want to run, to scream, to punch something. I need to be away from temptation. _What do I do about my wrist? I can’t risk anyone going to the bathroom and finding me. Where else on the ship can I go? The cockpit? No. Tunnels? Too silent. Training deck? Perfect. I can lose myself in the sound of my fists on the punching bags; I can finally get this anxiety out of me. And if anyone asks? I accidentally cut myself on the equipment._

I slide off of my bed, careful to avoid the knife staining the floor. I put on my boots, and use my clean hand to open my door. I’m almost scared to go out there, into the silence. But nothing is worse than the nightmares lingering in the shadows of my room. I step into the hallway, and take a left. The hallways are dark, but there’s a blue glow from the crystal’s power emanating from the lamps that line them. They make me feel safer in the darkness, where nothing feels impossible. Zarkon attacking us at any moment, even when we’re asleep. I walk down the hallway, paranoia quickening my pace. There’s a light at the end of it. _That’s not right, all of the lights that are not being used stay off at night. Coran said that it’s better for the crystal, and will save power we can use for going through wormholes. Did someone break into the ship?_ I start to run. I should have brought my knife with me. I run through the entryway, expecting purple skin. I hate that Allura has ingrained it into my brain that all of the Galra are evil. But instead of finding a Galra soldier, I find a familiar outline hurling themselves at a punching bag.

“Shiro?” I step closer to him, only a few feet away from him now. He turns around, his eyes like mine in the knife, like a wild animal. I take in the scene. His white shirt is clinging to his skin, and sweat is running down his face. The knuckles on his left hand are swollen, red, and bleeding. There’s a few punching bags on the floor, torn to pieces. He looks exhausted, bags under his eyes, labored breathing. He turns back to the punching bag, and proceeds to beat the shit out of it. He looks like he’s been doing this for hours without a break; he doesn’t look like himself. My hands start shaking even worse than before. I’m used to seeing Shiro calm and collected. I’m used to his pristine clothes and genuine smile. Captain, leader, strong. _A true hero._ He always had a golden aura around him, and everyone at the Garrison could see it. He was perfect, on a pedestal, and we all had stars in our eyes. He always went out of his way to make everyone feel better. He smiled at everyone, even the outcasts, even those who threw knives at his back. _Youngest pilot ever to lead a mission into space._ Even with his disease, he was never weak, never vulnerable. Goddamn perfect. _He still is._ It’s been different after Kerberos. I’ve seen Shiro unconscious, scared, hurt. But never like this. Even after crashing his lion, being clawed in the side, and thrown down a cliff. I’m worried.

I don’t want to touch him, I’m afraid he might attack me. I don’t want him to hurt me, and I _really_ don’t want to hurt him. I don’t think I could force myself to; he means too much to me. The first person to ever care about me besides my father. _Home._ He’s like a planet that I orbit around. I’d follow him anywhere. I’d do anything for him.

“Shiro you have to stop.” His punches get harder, and the punching bag groans. _At least he can hear me._

“C’mon Shiro, please. It’s Keith, you can trust me. I just want to help you.” He doesn’t stop.

“SHIRO!” Nothing. I think of something Adam used to call him.

“Kashi, please.” He stops immediately. He gasps.

“Adam.” He starts to cry. Fuck, I made him cry. I’ve always been a nightmare at dealing with people. _Fuck-up._ My fingers pinch at my skin. _Focus._ I don’t know what to do. _Deep breath, Keith. Patience yields focus._

I take a step even closer to him, and slowly put my arm on his shoulder. He falls into my arms. His tears start to soak my shirt. _Shiro is crying in my arms. Fuck._

“I miss him,” he sobs. “I’m so alone.”

“It’s okay, old timer. I’m here.”

“Keith” He sounds like a wounded animal.

“I’ve got you. Why don’t we go take care of you.”

“I don’t,” he pauses. “I don’t deserve it.”

“Kash-Shiro. I-what?”

“I’m a monster. I’m a monster.” He pauses. “Get away from me.” He raises his voice.

I don’t listen, even though he’s usually the only one that I do listen to. “Shiro, you couldn’t be less of a monster if you tried. You’re too good.”

“You didn’t see me in the arena, Keith.” he looks down at the ground. “The Champion,” he whispers. “You didn’t see the fear in the eyes of the aliens we rescued. At one point I actually wanted to kill. I was so angry, and all I wanted was their blood. I hurt Matt. I could hurt you, right now. I could stab you in the chest with my arm before you even realized that I did. I’m dangerous. I’m not even fully human anymore. I’m a weapon, a monster.”

“Shiro you’re not a monster.” I yell. I’ve always been a bit of a hothead. The words I hold in my heart come tumbling out of my mouth. It feels like falling. “When I look at you I see the Shiro I saw when I was scared, hurting, alone. I see the Shiro who believed in me when nobody else would. I see someone who saw past my hard exterior and actually cared, when everyone else ran. You’re the Shiro who saved me, against all odds. An arm doesn’t change anything.” I’m panicking. _That was too honest. You can’t get close to him, not when he can leave you again in a flash. Not when they can take him away from you._ I only need to think about the months after he “died” to pull myself away.

“Keith, you don’t need me, you never needed me. You’re one of the strongest people I know. Even when the world is hell, and everything’s against you, you never stop fighting for what you believe in. You’re the true leader of Voltron.” His voice gets quieter. He starts picking at the skin on his thumb. “You’d all be better without me,” he pauses, “Voltron would be better without me.”

I _need_ to isolate myself from him. But I can’t, not when he needs me. _Fuck my heart._ He needs to understand that he is everything. He’s the sun, the moon, all of the fucking stars. He’s human, he makes mistakes, he’ll never be perfect. And I still love him. I love every part of him, his white hair, his smile, even his goddamn Galra arm. I need to show him he’s too hard on himself. None of us are superheroes, and even superheroes can’t save everyone. He needs to see that everyone is just as fucked up as he is. _My wrist._ The thought makes my stomach turn. _I can’t show him._ I start tapping my foot on the ground; he pretends not to notice.

“It’s okay, you don’t need to keep lying to me. Soon enough, you won’t have to worry about me anymore.”

_What does he mean? Is he leaving? Is he going to-_My next thought leaves me breathless. The words fall out of my mouth before I can grasp them.“Shiro I-” I see his face staring back at me. Sad eyes, a fake smile. My chest aches. I raise my left arm up, soft grey eyes following me. I turn it over, exposing my wrist. There are five or so cuts on my skin. The crushing reality of what I’ve done sinks into me again. Before I can talk, he pulls me into a bone-crushing hug. He buries his face in my neck, and I can feel his hair on my skin. We’re closer than before. I can feel his breath on my neck. This is more intimate, more personal. All I know is Shiro, Shiro, Shiro. He smells like sweat, vanilla, and cinnamon. It’s a weird combination, but it’s somehow exactly how I imagined Shiro would smell. It reminds me of my old home, sugar cookies baking in the oven, the sound of my father’s fists hitting leather. I never want to smell anything else.

“Shi-”

“Shh. I’ve got you.”

“But-”

He puts his hand over my mouth for a few seconds. I get the message, he doesn’t want to talk right now. I don’t know what he wants. I can’t read his face like I normally can. He pulls away from me. I can barely hold back a whine at the loss of contact. I haven’t been touched in so long. I didn’t realize it until now, but the only contact I’ve had in the past few years are shoulder touches and pats on the back. His hug made me weak. Now all I want is to be back in his arms. He starts pulling on my right arm, careful not to touch my left one. _Goddamn perfect._ I guess I’m just going to follow him. It’s scary how much I trust him. It’s buried as deep into me as the fact that the Galra are enemies. My mind accepts it as true, everytime. Shiro is safe. He would never hurt me. It’s hard to accept. In the home I had no one. No friends, no family, no vulnerability. I was beaten, betrayed, and bruised. _Broken._ I learned to have my guard up; I learned to fly under the radar. Wear neutral clothes, stay in line, expect silence. _Trust no-one._ It was a lonely way to live. And then he came into my life. Bright, burning, persistent. He broke me down until I trusted him. He tore my heart from my chest and placed it onto my sleeve. He’s art, he’s music, he’s a symphony. Words can’t describe how I feel about him. I need to save him. Everyone else too, but he comes first. He’ll always come first.

I follow him down the hallway. I try to swallow my questions, and focus on his fingers laced in mine. He’s not pulling me, not rough, not like he thinks he is. His grip is gentle, he holds my hand and expects me to follow. We reach a door that I assume is his. He opens the door with his hand, and leads me in. It’s exactly like mine, blank walls, pristine, sterile. Pidge asks me how I can live like this, nothing personal, nothing from _home._ She hangs up band posters and pictures of her family. She has postcards from Matt on the wall, and figurines from her favorite shows from Earth. I guess I didn’t bring anything from home, because I’ve never had anything that meant more than a book or a pencil. All I have is the knife from my mother, the tattered memories from my father, _Shiro._ I would put them up on the walls if I could.

The only thing different in his room is all of the blankets on his bed. He has a pile of them to lay on, and a few on top. It looks a lot more comfortable than mine. He stops walking.

“Wanna talk?”

“I don’t know,” I pause. “Not sure if I’m ready for that yet.”

He responds before I even finish my sentence, “That’s okay. ”

“Why do you look like it’s not okay then?”

His eyes widen. “Shiro, I know you. Nothing about you looks okay right now.”

“Keith, I’m fine. It’s just been a long day.”

“That excuse is not going to work on me, I’ve already used it a thousand times myself”

“I’m just tired. Sorry for crying earlier and inconveniencing you, I know it’s not your problem. I have it all handled.”

“Fuck, Kashi, stop pushing me away.”

“You’re the one pushing yourself away from me.”

“No I’m not.”

“I understand perfectly well what I don’t want to talk really means.”

“What _does_ it mean then?”

“That you don’t trust me enough to share with me. I don’t blame you, I’m a monster.”

“Shiro, I trust you more than anyone. I showed you what I did to my wrist. I’d _never_ trust anyone else with anything like that. I almost had a breakdown when you saw it. I think if I showed anyone else my heart would explode from how hard it would be beating.”

“But you haven’t told me why, or when, or how. You don’t want to talk to me, and I just have to sit here, worried about you hurting yourself. There’s no way for me to know you’re okay. You just showed me your wrist, and now I’m freaking the fuck out because I can’t imagine life without you and you won’t even _talk_ to me. I took you here because I physically cannot let go of you. If I leave you alone, and you hurt yourself, that’s on my conscience. And I know I’ll be next because I’ll never be able to live with myself. Stop hiding behind arguments and tell me what’s wrong.”

“Shiro, I’m not hiding, I’m worried about you. You told me earlier that you were basically thinking about taking your life. That is serious. You can’t bottle it in and expect that punching through punching bags for hours is going to do anything but hurt you. Let me help you.”

“No, Keith, let _me_ help you.”

“This is ridiculous. I don’t even know what we’re fighting about anymore, Kashi.”

“I don’t know what we’re fighting about anymore either,” he doesn’t elaborate.

I take in the silence, wondering if I should say anything. I decide to ask. “Is it okay if I call you that? Kashi?”

“It’s fine,” he sighs. “But there’s one rule. That nickname was given to me by my mother, because I would always cry about Kuro hogging the attention. She decided to give me a special nickname, and I never give it out to anyone. It holds a special place in my heart. I’ve only been called it by people who really love _me_. Not Shiro the Garrison golden boy, not The Champion, not the leader of Voltron. Just me. Galra arm and everything. And I never want to ruin the connotation of that. It’s one of the only memories I have of my mother and brother. So if that doesn’t apply to you, then you can call me Shiro like everyone else.”

“You forgot to add nerd in there somewhere, Takashi. I’m ashamed of you, lying is not tolerated in this spaceship.”

“Why add nerd when being one is not a facade.” His smile is brighter than the lamp illuminating his desk.

“Mhmm. I missed that smile. Of course the word nerd would bring it out of you.”

“What do you mean you missed it? I smile all of the time.”

“Not like that. Not a real smile.” His mouth opens, and then closes again. I notice that we are still standing in front of Shiro’s bed, and my feet are starting to hurt. I can’t even imagine how Shiro feels.

“Kashi, you must be exhausted, I think you should try to get some sleep while you still can.”

“I’m not going to sleep until you’re asleep.” _Selfless as always._

“We’ve already been over this, we’re both stubborn shits who care more about each other more than ourselves.”

“Let’s just both go to sleep.”

I start to pull my arm away, but Shiro grabs my wrist.

“Can you stay?” He’s biting his lip and looking at the floor. Even after almost dying he wasn’t this vulnerable. _He knows that you would never hurt him either._ I’ve seen a lot of new sides of Shiro today. I’ve always loved him, but now he’s something more tangible in my mind. _He’s almost as fucked up as you. _

“Of course I’ll stay. You know that I’ll do anything for you, right?” He just stares back at me with a blank face. His hand is still holding mine. I want him to know that I’m telling the truth, so I squeeze his hand and try to tell him with my eyes. It probably ends up looking like a glare. “You can do this, Kashi. I’ll never give up on you, but more importantly, you can’t give up on yourself. You know who told me that? The smartest person I know.”

“Pidge is smarter than me.”

“Just take a goddamn compliment, you dumbass.”

“Oh so before I was the smartest person you know but now I’m, um, dumb.”

I can’t control the laugh that bubbles out of me. “Are you still not going to curse, Kashi?” I shake my head “You’re so cute.” _Did I actually say that out loud? Fuck. Lance was right, I am a gay disaster._ He fiddles with the hem of his shirt, his cheeks turning rosy. It reminds me of the painting I used to stare at in my old house, back when things were easy. Cherry blossoms, bright and colorful. They were vibrant against a dark sky, and I could stare at the finite details for hours. I never knew why my dad said it reminded him of my mom. But now I think I understand. The big picture looks perfect, and beautiful. But the closer I got to the painting, I got to see the brush strokes, the humanity, the imperfections. I used to think that meant the picture was bad. I thought that imperfect meant bad, and I wanted to fix it. I wanted to make it all the same color. His cheeks remind me of the soft pink hidden in the shadows that I so badly wanted to get rid of. I used to overlook it because of the alluring brightness of the pink, I used to overlook the real Shiro. I replaced him with an idol, a hero, a robot. I’m finally getting to see the real Shiro. And the soft pink of his cheeks is more beautiful than any painting. It takes a while to see, but what I’ve found so far is worth it all.

He raises a hand to cover a yawn. “I think it’s time we go to sleep.”

“Okay,” he phrases it like a question. I lay down and roll over to be near the wall. He doesn’t move.

“C’mon, I don’t bite.”

“Not at me at least.” He looks smug. _Another new look on him._ He lays down on the very edge of the bed, not touching me. We both know he’s not going to be able to sleep like that. I gently lower my arm over his body. He doesn’t try to move it. So I pull him into my chest. He still smells like cinnamon and vanilla, and he’s warm against me. I like having him here, in my arms, where I know he’s safe. _I could get used to this. _

“This okay?”

“Mmm.” He sounds half-asleep.

“Goodnight, Kashi.”

“Mm. Night darling.” I freeze. I panic. _It’s just because he’s tired, he probably thinks that I’m Adam. The thought makes me sad. I can’t take advantage of him when he’s so emotionally vulnerable. He just misses home, he misses Adam, he doesn’t care about me. I need to distance myself from him. I can’t let him get hurt. I can’t let myself get hurt. I need to enjoy him in my arms while I still can. Tomorrow will be different._


	2. Strong

**Shiro**

For the first time in forever, I actually wake up to my alarm. I sit up in my bed, confused. I haven’t been awake for hours, or destroying punching bags in the training deck. It’s weird for me. I see the crumpled sheets next to me, and then I remember what happened last night. 

“Keith.” I gasp. He must have left. _ But he promised me that he would stay. _ I check the datapad by the door, it shows me that he’s only been gone for thirty or so doboshes. I should’ve expected that it wouldn’t be the same this morning. Keith was vulnerable last night, like he’s never been before. But it wasn’t enough, I don’t think I could ever tire of hearing his thoughts. Especially the ones he keeps to himself. _ He still never told me anything about his wrist. _I suddenly need to find him. I need to know that he’s okay, that he’s not hurting himself. 

I open the door, and run out of my room. I run to the dining room. Everyone’s in there, staring at me like I’m crazy. Hunk sets down a plate of breakfast food that he was serving.

“Shiro what’s the mat-

“You wear sweatpants?” Lance exclaims.

“What do you think he wears, idiot.” Pidge shakes her head. 

“I-I’ve just never seen him out of his armor and or training clothes.” Pidge slaps Lance upside the head. Keith laughs.

“Ow!”

“Guys! Don’t fight!” Hunk puts himself between them.

“Paladins, settle down.” Allura silences everyone. “What’s going on?”

_ Apparently nothing. Keith looks like nothing even happened last night. He looks fine. He doesn’t look worried about me at all. _“Um, nothing. I’m just being a little foolish.” I let out a fake laugh that I hope is convincing. I slip into my “leader” act. “I’m going to go change. Paladins, finish breakfast and meet me at the training deck in twenty doboshes.”

I walk out of the room before I can see any of their faces. I can’t bear to see pity right now. I walk back to my room, and pull on my paladin armor. I make sure that the gloves cover my hands, I can’t let anyone see that they are still red and irritated from last night. I walk to the training room, deciding to skip breakfast for today. I need time to set up the controls. Today we are going to be doing more trust activities. We are getting closer, but don’t have a deep enough bond yet to be in sync in battle. We need to form a deeper trust with each other, one strong enough to overcome Zarkon. I decide to start with the maze. It’s a great way to build trust. The paladins make their way into the training room. Keith and Lance start and for once, their arguing is pretty minimal. Lance gets to the end after getting shocked seven times, unlike his last record of almost fifteen. It’s a welcome surprise. Hunk and Pidge go next, and Hunk reaches the end after getting shocked only about four times. The mistakes were due to small miscommunications and although it could be better, for an almost fifty turn maze, it is pretty impressive. 

“Okay, time to take a small break. Then we are going to work with the training droids. I’ll be sure to tell Allura of our wonderful progress today, I’m very proud of all of you.”

“Shiro!” Lance whines, “why don’t you ever have to do the maze.” 

“Yeah, I thought we all agreed that training would always be kept fair.” Hunk looks at me sheepishly, like it hurt him to say something even remotely offensive. 

“We did say that. I guess I’ll do it. I need to follow through with promises as much as everyone else.” I sigh and grab my helmet. “Who’s guiding me?”

“Keith!” Lance pushes him. 

“Why him?” I hate that it sounds accusatory. 

“I just want him to suffer.”

“Giving directions _ is _ very difficult.” Pidge states. 

“Okay, who wants Keith to guide me.” All three of them raise their hands. “Guess that’s my cue to leave.”

I walk to the center of the room, and can feel the buzzing around me as the walls raise up. It brings me back to the cell I was in, on the Galra ship. I feel trapped. I need to get away. I’m about to bolt, until I hear a quiet voice in my ear. 

“Take two steps forward, then turn your body to the right. But don’t move after that.” I hear the words, but something in me doesn’t quite understand them. They’re all fuzzy in my mind, drowned out by the humming of the Galra ship. My breaths start coming a little bit quicker. I can feel my arms strapped down, see my blood staining the floor, feel a sharp pain in my arm. More words come. 

“Kashi, come on. Deep breaths for me.” All I hear is Kashi. _ Keith. _ I see flashes of him on the floor, a blade in his hand, red everywhere. He’s hurting himself, I try to stop him but the more I touch him the more the cuts grow. I can feel the blood oozing down my hands. My stomach churns. I bring my hands over my ears, trying to block out his screams for me. I try to tell him that I’m hurting him, but my lips won’t move. My hands cover my face in frustration, and I feel something wet. What is that? _ Am I crying? _

The buzzing around me stops. I feel hands on my shoulders. I don’t want them there. _ I just want Keith. _

“Are you okay?” Hunk asks sincerely. He’s one of the ones with his hand on my shoulder.

I uncurl myself from my kneeling position, and stand up. Hunk and Lance take their hands off of my shoulders.

“I’m fine.” I look around. I don’t see Keith anywhere in the room. It’s only Hunk, Lance, Pidge, and Allura. I guess he doesn’t care as much about me as I do about him. _ That’s fine. _None of them question me, not like Keith did last night, they just stand there. They look like they expect me to say something else. 

“I’m going to go take a little break. I want you three to reach level ten on the droid before dinner.” Lance looks a little bit scared, but they all nod. “Any questions?” They all look like they want to ask what that was. _ I can’t believe I am so weak that I can’t even complete a maze. I’m so pathetic. Keith couldn’t even handle how pitiful I am. _ But no one responds, so I march out of the room, leaving my dignity in scattered pieces on the floor. _ At least I didn’t ask about Keith. _

I walk back to my room, even though the last thing I want is to be alone right now. There’s nothing to do, so I try to distract myself by reading the current news about the Galra. Nobody comes to talk to me, I guess I am a good actor after all. _ Or maybe none of them care enough to check on me. _ After a little while, drowning in my thoughts, I decide I’ve had enough of solitude. _ I wonder what everyone else is doing? Not worrying about me, that’s for sure. _I walk out of my room and follow the hallway toward the cockpit. Everyone is in there but Keith. They are all discussing our plan of action for the next few days. We need to find Ulaz, and see if the Blade of Marmora can provide as allies in this war. 

“Hey Shiro! We beat level ten of the droid!” Lance bounces up and down in his seat. 

“That’s great.” I try to muster enthusiasm, but it comes out as more of a statement than an exclamation.

“How did you do it so fast?”

Pidge furrows her eyebrows. They all share a quick look. “What do you mean?”

“I thought I said to finish at dinner. It hasn’t passed yet so you clearly beat it very quickly.”

Hunk looks even more confused. “Shiro, dinner was a few vargas ago. We decided that you needed some rest and didn’t want to be bothered. I saved some soup for you in the kitchen if you want some.”

_ Is it really past dinner time? I thought it had only been a few vargas since the maze. _“Oh. Thank you.”

“Are you sure you’re okay Shiro.” I don’t think I’ve ever heard Lance use that tone of voice. He sounds concerned.

“Yeah, I’m just feeling a little bit under the weather.” _ Lies. _

“Okay, let us know if you need anything.” Hunk smiles. 

“Of course.” My concern finally outweighs my embarrassment. “Where’s Keith?”

“We actually don’t know? We thought he was with you.” Allura buts in.

“Now that I think about it, I haven’t seen him since lunch.” Hunk adds.

“Me neither.”

“Well, unless if you need me here, I think I’m going to go find Keith.”

“Good luck with that. Hothead’s probably fuming at something or another.” 

“That was unnecessary, Lance. Have some respect for your fellow Paladin.” He looks heartbroken for having disappointed Allura. “We don’t need you here Shiro, it would be lovely if you check up on Keith.” She glares at Lance, daring him to say something else. I decide I’ve had enough of this today. I hear a reminder from Hunk as I’m walking out the doors. 

“Remember to eat, Shiro!” It’s the last thing on my mind right now. 

I head to Keith’s room, not sure where else he would be right now. I find myself outside of his door, trying to mentally prepare myself for a conversation with him. I take a deep breath. _ Patience yields focus. _I knock. There’s no response. I knock again. Nothing. A few ticks pass. 

“Just wait a dobash,” he yells. He sounds anxious. I need to see him. “Fuck.” I hear him curse.

“Keith, open the door.”

“In a tick.”

“Now.” I snarl. _ Don’t scare him away. _ “Please, Keith.” I add in a softer tone. He doesn’t open the door. I place my hand on his datapad, and click override. It recognizes me as the leader of Voltron, and gives me access to all of the rooms in case of an emergency. I hate that I’m violating Keith’s privacy, but I’m worried about him. I open the door. Keith is on the floor, scrubbing at it with a towel. The towel is half white and half pink. _ Quiznack. _

“Keith is that-

“Kashi, don’t.”

“Show me your arm.”

“Not now.” His voice cracks.

“I said show me your arm.” His lip quivers. He turns his arm over anyway. There are more cuts there than there were yesterday. I can feel my eyes water. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Me neither.”

“I assume you still don’t want to talk about it?” He shakes his head. “What did you do it with?” He looks even more scared. “Can you give it to me.”

“C’mon, It’s okay.” He doesn’t budge. I walk over to him, and sit down on the clean part of the floor. I give his shoulder a reassuring squeeze. “I just want to help you, Keith. You can trust me, I promise.”

He finally gets up from the floor, and goes into his closet. He comes out with some sort of knife that I’ve never seen before. There’s a purple glow coming from the hilt, and what looks like a Galra insignia on it. I decide not to ask. He hands it over. I set it down on the floor, and drag him to the bed. Keith is more important right now. We sit on the edge together, still holding hands.

“Can you promise me that the next time you feel like this you’ll come find me.” 

“But-

“No buts. Promise.”

“What if you’re asleep?”

“Wake me up.”

“What if you’re doing something important.”

“Nothing’s more important than you.” He doesn’t respond. “I’m serious.” He raises his eyebrows at me. “I promise.”

“Okay.”

“Okay, what.” I need to hear him say it.

“I promise.” I squeeze his hand. I don’t add anything else. I gesture for him to elaborate. He sighs, “I’ll come find you.”

“Want me to stay?” I wait for him to respond. There’s nothing I want more right now than to stay, but if he wants me to leave, I’ll leave. He doesn’t say anything, but he leans back onto the bed and turns over onto his side. I take it as a yes, and I lay down next to him. He takes my arm and wraps it around himself. I pull him close. _ Why do we have to be laying on our left sides? Does the universe hate me? _ My prosthetic arm is wrapped around him. _ Quiznack. He’s probably so uncomfortable. _ He just pushes himself closer to me, and sets his head on my shoulder.

“Does the prosthetic not bother you?”

“It’s perfect,” his words barely above a whisper. 

“It could kill you.”

“It’s a part of you. Would never hurt me. Just as perfect as you.” He turns over onto his right side, and buries his head into my neck. He’s curled around me now, spooning be damned. It feels like the stars are aligning. I’ve known it since I first saw him, even though I didn’t feel this way back then. I knew it when he got to level five on the simulator, stole my car, and spoke to me about space with stars in his eyes. I knew that he was going to change my life, and that I’d do anything to protect him. 


	3. Loved

**Keith**

I wake up curled around Shiro. I can feel his breath on my neck, and I take in the warmth that is being close to him. I’ve never felt this safe in my life. Shiro is safe. He didn’t leave this morning, like I left him yesterday. I’ve tried to stay away from him, but it’s impossible. I orbit around him like he’s a planet and I’m a moon. I can’t make it through the day without his smile, his hand on my shoulder, my name on his lips. _ Keith. _Like something valuable, something treasured, something good. It makes my insides turn to space goo. Shiro shifts closer to me in his sleep, and pulls his arms tighter around my body. I don’t know if I should wake him up, try to leave, or wait until he wakes up by himself. I don’t want to leave him again. A knock on the door silences my conflict. 

“Keith! Are you in there?” I can’t exactly recognize the voice. 

“No.”

“Stupid, mullethead.” They curse under their breath, but I can still hear them. _ Ah, it’s Lance. _“I’m coming in.”

“No! Don’t.” I’m too late, the door slides open. _ How the fuck does everyone have access to my room? _I untangle myself from Shiro, and sit up on the bed, but not before he sees me in his arms. 

Lance looks around, confused. I would be too if I found a paladin sleeping in another paladin’s room. There’s also still a knife and a bloody towel on the floor. 

“Holy Crow! What’s going on in here.”

“Shh. Don’t wake him up.”

He hisses at me, “Why the frick is Shiro in your room? And why is there a knife and blood on the floor”

“I’ll explain, but I don’t want to bother Shiro. Why don’t we go to your room?” I whisper. He nods. “Give me a tick, I need to do something really fast.” I grab a pen and paper from my desk to write Shiro a note. **Lance walked in on us, I need to explain everything to him. He’s very confused and a little bit aggressive right now because he saw the blood on the floor. I really hope he doesn’t think either of us would hurt each other. I wanted to leave you a note this time, because I saw how worried you were yesterday. I’ll keep my promise. I’m feeling okay right now, but I’ll talk to you later. Thank you. **I debate what I should address it as, Fondly? Sincerely? _Love?_ I end up just signing it. **Keith. **I put it gently on the bed next to him. I have a strong sensation to kiss him on the forehead, but then I remember Lance. I tear myself away.

“Okay, let’s go.” I follow Lance outside, making sure to close the door after myself. It’s a short walk, as he is only next door. We walk into his room, which is like Pidge’s. It’s painted a light blue and has a bunch of pictures of his family on the nightstand. _ That’s cute. _

“What was that?” I don’t know if I should tell him the whole truth or not. I decide to be honest, but vague.

“Well, Shiro and I are very close.”

“Why does this sound like the start of where babies come from? This is the pumpkin patch story all over again!”

“Th-

He gasps. “Are you and Shiro having, you know, the s word.”

“Why can nobody on this ship fucking curse. The s word? Are you kidding me? And no, why the hell would you think that?”

“He was in your room all night! I’m completely oblivious and I still know what that implies.”

“Okay, no, we are not having the s word. The only thing we did last night was cuddle and talk.”

“Oh. But why?”

“It’s kind of personal.”

“I won’t tell anyone.”

“Really? You’re kind of known as the blabbermouth of the ship.” His eyes widen.

“But those were unimportant things, like Pidge knowing the whole script of Shrek by heart. Actually forget what I said, that is very crucial teasing material. But this sounds _ extremely important, _and if it’s really important, you can trust me.” He talks fast, like I’m going to leave before he gets it all out.

“Okay, I don’t know if I can actually admit to anything. I do trust you, but Shiro is the only one I’ve ever met that I know I can trust with _ anything. _I think that if I try to tell you, then nothing’s going to come out. The best I can do is give you some context. “Shiro was still in my room due to some things that happened yesterday involving the things on my floor. He was really worried about me and wanted to make sure that I was okay and wouldn’t-” I pause. The words won’t come out of my throat, just like I predicted.

“Wouldn’t what? The things on the floor, he was worried, wanted to make sure that you were okay?” He thought out loud for a moment. “Are you hurt? How did you get hurt?” 

I don’t answer. He looks down at my arm and finds the bandages that Shiro put on in the middle of the night when one of them reopened. He gasps, “You didn’t! Keith please tell me that you didn’t.” I shake my head. His covers his mouth with his hand. 

“Can I see?” I draw my left arm to my chest before he finishes his sentence. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked. Can I give you a hug?” I reluctantly nod. Shiro’s hugs are still my favorites, but Lance’s are a close second. His still feel like home, but in a different way. His hugs feel like family, like my dad’s laugh. They feel like the chicken noodle soup and toast with honey my dad would make me when I was sick. They’re comforting. They make me feel nostalgic for a home I only knew for a short while. 

“I don’t want to force you to tell _ me _why. But you’re going to talk about it with someone, right?” And by that someone, we both know he means Shiro. 

“I will.”

“Good. Do you ever think you are going to tell anyone else? Maybe Pidge or Hunk? We all want the best for you Keith.” He pleads. 

“I don’t think so. Not unless they ask.”

He sighs, “I respect your decision. Just think about it, okay?”

“Okay, I should probably get back to Shiro.”

“I’ll keep an eye on you. Give me a signal if you need a mental break, okay?” He pulls me into another hug. “I love you.” 

“Love you too. Thank you for understanding.” I try to convey how thankful I am for him. _ Loverboy Lance. A hard exterior, but a heart bigger than the Castle of Lions. _“Can you keep an eye on Shiro too? I’m really worried about him.” 

“Will do. Take care of yourself okay, and come find me if you need any help.” 

“See you later.” He waves as I walk out. 

I walk back to my room, to Shiro. I find crumpled blankets and a note left on the bed next to mine. **Left for breakfast, Shiro. ** I decide that I need some breakfast, not because of Shiro, but because my stomach feels empty. I throw on my plain black t-shirt, grey pants, and red jacket. I’m putting on my belt, when I realize that my knife and the towel on the floor are gone. My lips curl into a small smile. I lace up my boots, and walk out of my room and toward the dining hall. It’s almost always a chaotic scene when I enter. Everyone else is in there. Lance is trying to impress Allura by balancing a spoon on his nose. _ Dumbass. _ She’s obviously not impressed, but she hides giggles behind her hand as Lance drops the spoon on the floor for what looks like the millionth time. Pidge is talking Coran’s ear off about something, while he nods along and looks ready to go back to sleep. Shiro is in there talking to Hunk about something, his eyes lighting up in the way they do when he’s talking about something he loves. I feel out of place standing in the corner. No one notices that I’m here. They make a well balanced team, and I’m the odd one out. _ Disciplinary case. Another year of not being adopted. Who would want an antisocial freak? Shut up, beef. No one wants to be your friend. Stupid. Worthless. That’s why your parents left you. Gonna cry for your mommy, baby? No one can hear you, even if you scream. Laughter. _Pain, it shoots through my head. Pounding, throbbing, aching. I can’t think. 

“Hey, mullet.” Lance turns his head, the spoon balanced on his nose. 

“Getting ready for the circus for when we kick you off the team? Seems like you would fit right in with the freaks.” I sneer. I hear gasps in the back of my mind. All I can see is red. I’m so fucking angry. _ Punch. Kick. Just give in, you’re never going to win. Pressure. Ribs, hurting. Dizzy, so dizzy. Red. Red everywhere. Cold. Aching. Burning. Alone. I’m not going to cry, I’m not going to cry. I can’t move. _ Breathe. Shiro’s here, you’re safe. Not alone. That’s in the past. It’s not real, it’s not real. Something pulls on my arm. I’m drowning again. _ Dark. Hands everywhere. Touching me. Bruising. Ripping my clothes. It doesn’t feel good. Stop. No. Don’t touch me. Not there, please. Please stop. _“Stop. Stop. Stop.”

There’s buzzing everywhere. Voices blur together into a big blob of red. It’s too loud. My hands cover my ears. “Stop, please. No!” More screaming, this time out of my mouth. More hands are on me. Bees buzz into my ears. I don’t understand. _ Don’t worry, baby, we’re going to make you feel good. _ Someone wraps their arms around me and pulls me into their chest. I squirm. I need to get out. _ I need to get away. It hurts. They’re not supposed to touch me there. _I smell cinnamon and vanilla. Shiro. Safe. My body is swaying, my knees ready to buckle. I let myself go. He picks me up, and takes me to a couch. 

“Keith.” My tongue doesn’t move. “Keith. Keith. Keith. C’mon buddy.”

“Mmh.” My face is buried in his shirt. Cinnamon. Vanilla. Shiro. Safe.

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this. How are you feeling?”

“Not good.”

“The rest of the team is pissed at you.”

“I figured.”

“I’m mad at them. I can’t believe they wouldn’t try to help you when were obviously in pain and not in the right state of mind when you said that to Lance. You didn’t mean it.” 

“But it sounded like it did, Shiro, even to my own ears.” My voice cracks. 

“You said it in the voice you use when you are lying, your eyebrows were furrowed, and your hands were shaking. It was more pure rage than anything else. Something else that has nothing to do with Lance was going on, yeah?”

I hate that he can see right through me. “Yeah.” I whisper, cowering before him again. I can’t talk about this right now. _ Change the subject, change the subject, change the subject. _ I realize that he must be very observant to have picked up on those things. “Does your mind ever need a break? It’s amazing that you pay such close attention to things and are still able to lead the team.” Cherry blossoms grow from his cheeks. _ Why is he blushing? He’s not that modest. Is he? _“What did Pidge’s expression say about her?”

“Umm. She, uh, was mad and defensive of Lance?” _ And here I was thinking that he was some sort of genius body language expert and physiologist. Anyone with eyes could probably guess that Pidge was defensive of Lance. But I don’t think anyone could see through me like that. _

I gasp in mock horror. “You’re not a sorcerer!?”

“No?”

“I thought you were an expert at reading people or something, because no one else realized anything was different about me. That’s why they are so angry, they think that I would just say that normally with no hesitation.” Now his cheeks match my jacket. 

“I guess I got lucky.”

“That was not luck, Kashi, you had my expressions down to an art.” I might be dragging this out for a little too long. _ Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back. _

“It’s probably because I-” He stops, he sucks his teeth and looks at the floor. 

“What?”

“I look at you a lot more than everyone else.” _ Oh. _I don’t know what to say. I try to have a blank face, but my smile is starting to widen and my cheeks are starting to burn.

“I do the sam-”

“Keith! If you want to fuck with Lance you go through me and Hunk, capiche. Meet me in the training room in ten because you are going to get your ass kicked for messing with our friend.” Pidge marches out just as quickly as she came in. 

Shiro and I look at each other and burst out laughing. “That was peak badassery right there.” He nods his head.

“If I didn’t love you as much as I do then I would be so ready to see them demolish you.”

_Shit, Shit, Shit. Love?_ _What does a normal facial expression look like? My teeth are showing and my cheeks are probably as red as Mars. Abort mission. Repeat, ABORT MISSION. Smile less. Oh no, now he’ll think he said something wrong. Smile more. AHHHHHH. _“You’ve got that little faith in me, old timer?”

“Have you seen Pidge chew out someone she’s protective of? Once I accidentally hurt Matt and she was ready to fight me even though I was twice her size. Hunk’s the same way. You’re going to get an earful.”

I’m still stuck on what he said before that, _ love. _ “Yeah.” I’m clearly distracted, especially with him knowing me as well as he does. _ Fuck. _

He either doesn’t notice, or he decides not to comment. He stands up. “Let’s not keep them waiting.”

I rise to my feet, swaying a little. He puts his hand on my shoulder, and I look into gray eyes. His eyebrows are raised. _ You okay? _ They ask. I nod. He takes his hand away. We start walking to the training room. He walks closer to me than usual, there if I need him. We walk into the training room. Lance is sitting on the benches to the side, whispering to Allura. She’s got her arm around his waist. Lance is looking at her with love, Allura is looking at him with fondness. It hurts to see. _ Please don’t lead him on if you’re only going to hurt him, _ I silently plead. Pidge and Hunk are standing in the middle of the room, arms crossed, glaring at me. We walk toward them. I would say it feels like something out of a movie, especially the ones the kids at the home used to love. _ Showdowns, _ they called them. _ The bad guys face the good guys, and you know a fight is going to break out. _ But it just feels awkward. It’s silent. But not a comforting silence, not a silence of companionship. It’s a suffocating silence. It hangs over me like a black cloud as I get closer to Pidge and Hunk. We stop a few feet in front of them. Shiro steps a little bit in front of me, and angles his body to block mine. I didn’t ask for it, and it makes me look pathetic. But I know that he’s only trying to ease the tension in the room. His fingers brush against mine, _ I’ll protect you. _

“Keith.” Hunk growls my name. _ What a wonderful start. _

“Hey.” I squeak out. His fingers lightly graze my wrist. My hand tingles where he touches me. I wrap my pinky finger around his.

Pidge is looking intensely at me. “What’s your problem with Lance?”

“Nothing.” 

“That’s a lie.” Hunk has a no-bullshit face on, and it’s the most threatening I’ve ever seen him. _ Maybe we could win the war if we get Zarkon to insult his friends. _He steps forward and around Shiro, arms out to push. I know he doesn’t want to hurt me too badly, but I think he wants a reaction out of me, a confession. The push never comes. Shiro steps back in front of me, and Hunk ends up pushing him. He doesn’t budge.

“I think there’s been a misunderstanding.”

“We all heard what Keith said perfectly clear. He wants to kick Lance off of the team for who he is.” Pidge scoffs and takes her bayard out of her suit pocket. 

“Freak? Really? You were too much of a coward to even say the word.” _ What? _

“What?” Pidge is on me before I can blink. I’m still wobbly from earlier, my head still pounding and my lungs still aching. I go down hard. Pidge is hovering over me, pinning my hands to the floor. 

“I’ll say it again. What is your problem with Lance? We all know it, but we don’t want to spare you the embarrassment of saying it.” Hunk nudges my ribs with his foot. It’s not supposed to hurt as bad as it does, but it hurts like hell. 

“Stop.” Shiro’s eyes flash dangerously, and his voice is steel. “Get off of him.” Pidge doesn’t budge. “Now,” he snarls. He pulls her up by her armor, and pushes her backwards. She crashes into Hunk. He looks down at me, his eyes dark. He reaches out a hand, and pulls me up and into his chest. He uses so much power that it hurts my arm. I’m not fully in his arms, but my side is glued to his. I try to move, but his grip on my arm is tight.

I look into his eyes, still harsh and unforgiving. _ This is not my Shiro. _Pidge and Hunk look shocked, and a little scared. 

“Calm down,” I whisper. His grip tightens. “C’mon Kashi.”

He lets go of my arm, and it drops lifelessly to my side. “Kashi.” He blinks, and his face transforms into one of confusion. 

“What’s going on? Keith? What happened?” I can’t bear to tell him. I know all he’ll think about is what he did. _ Monster. _It’s not true. I don’t answer him.

“Shiro? What was that?”

“I don’t know.” They’re all looking at me. Shiro is pleading. _ Please, _his eyes say.

“I think Shiro didn’t get enough sleep last night and he’s a little bit more trigger happy than normal because he’s tired.” I try to shrug in a ‘what are you going to do’ kind of way. 

Shiro fakes a yawn. “Yeah I think I should go take a little break and calm myself down. Maybe take a little nap.”

“Okay bye Shiro!” Pidge has a glint in her eye. _ That means she’s planning something. Shit. _Shiro starts to walk out, and I’m following behind him until my arm is pulled back.

“Where are you going Keith?” She’s smirking and bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet.

“I thought we were all leaving?” I try to act confused.

“No, Shiro’s leaving. We’re continuing our conversation. Right Shiro?” She tilts her head to the side like a puppy begging for food. He looks back and forth between us, making eye contact with me. I try to plead with my eyes like he did.

“I don’t think we should have this conversation without the whole team.” He manages to sound respectful even though he’s arguing with her. _ How? _

“I think we can. What does it matter if you’re here? This is about Keith and Lance.”

“Keith and Lance are my friends. We are either talking about this later or I’m staying right where I am.”

“I don’t think I can get myself in the mood to punch Keith again, so now it is.”

“Why don’t we go sit down in the longue, I’m still pretty tired.” I try to catch his eye and smile at him. _ Thank you. _

After telling Lance and Allura our plan, we all walk to the longue. I take a seat, but before I can get close to Shiro, Hunk and Pidge sit on both sides of me. I feel trapped. 

Pidge starts, “I would like to kindly ask Keith what the hell is wrong with him.” I’m so confused. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Hunk explains, “Well, Lance just told us he’s bi a few days ago, and we all know that word travels fast on this ship. Now you’re calling him a freak and saying that you want to kick him off the team. Connect the dots.” 

I’m shocked. I can’t believe they think that I’m homophobic. “Guys, I’m pan. I was not being homophobic at all, and I regret saying what I did. I was having a rough time and I took my anger out on Lance. I’m sorry.”

Allura is a little bit lost. “Keith, what does that mean? Pans? Like cooking pans? Or the god Pan! You’re the god of the wild? And bi? Like bilingual? Does Lance speak another language?”

Pidge ignores her, “How do we know you’re telling the truth?”

I sigh. “First can someone at least explain to Allura what’s going on. She doesn’t understand.”

“Okay, I’m bi, short for bisexual. Which means that there’s a lot of Loverboy Lance to go around.”

“Lance!”

“Basically it means that I’m attracted to men as well as women.”

Allura gasps. “That’s strange. I don’t think anyone on my planet was, what do you call it, bi?”

“They were probably just hiding it because they were afraid.” Hunk glares at me. I glare back.

“I’m pan, so basically I’m attracted to all genders.”

“Isn’t that the same thing?”

“Kind of. But some people on Earth are something called trans, where they don’t identify themselves as their specified gender. And there are also people who are nonbinary, and don’t identify with a certain gender. And also there are people who are genderfluid, who constantly transition between genders. So I’m attracted to everyone no matter if they are man, woman, something in between, both, or neither.”

“This is so complicated. Earth is so weird. So what was that other word you used that started with an h?”

“Homophobia?” She nods. “That’s basically the word for when people dislike or are prejudiced against people who love the same gender as themselves or identify themselves as gay, pan, or bi.”

“That makes sense. So they thought you called Lance a freak and wanted to kick him off the team for being bi?”

“Yes.”

“So it was all a misunderstanding?”

“Y-”

“But how do we know you’re telling the truth?” Pidge cuts me off.

“What do you want me to say? Not to throw Lance under the bus but how are you even sure that he’s telling the truth?”

“He showed us pictures of his ex-boyfriend.”

“Sorry, but I don’t have any pictures and I’ve never had a boyfriend. I really can’t help you.”

“You’re making up excuses.”

I’m getting angry now. My voice gets louder. “No, I’m not.”

“Are too.”

I’m shouting now. “I’m not lying. And why does it even matter? You should know I’m not homophobic. I’ve been best friends with Shiro for years and I would never antagonize him.”

“What does Shiro have to do with this?”

“You guys are all idiots and pretend to be the homophobia police when you don’t even notice that you’re harassing the people you think you’re protecting. Shiro. Is. Gay.”

I can’t deal with them anymore. I’m seething. They remind me of the supervisors at the home. _ You like him? I think you’re a little bit confused sweetie. Boys can’t like boys. What about Ella? She’s really pretty and you hang out with her a lot. _I storm out of the room, stomping my feet as I pace down the corridor and back. UGH. 

“K?” _ Shiro. I just outed him without asking. That’s messed up. _

“Fuck Shiro I’m so sorry.” 

“It’s okay. Calm down, spitfire.”

“But they’re being so-

“I know. Nobody’s perfect and they just need to be nudged in the right direction, okay?”

“Yes, Kashi.” I sigh and lazily salute him.

“C’mon back inside.” I groan. _ I still feel itching under my skin. I can’t stand it. _ He notices, of course he does. He pulls me into a hug. The tightness in my body unravels, and the burning becomes more of a tingling. _ Magic. _ And suddenly I _ need _ to be closer. I need to be surrounded by Shiro, breathing together, feeling his heartbeat, seeing only him. I bring myself even closer, and my hands slide slowly up his back. He doesn’t tense, so I keep going until they’re buried in his hair, slowly stroking it. I play with his hair, twisting the short strands around my fingertips, while tension seeps out of me. _ Kashi, kashi, kashi. _His head dips, and my hands slide to the back of his neck. He buries his head in my neck, and his lips gently place a feather light kiss there. They barely brush against my skin, and I’m not sure if I’m imagining it, but warmth spreads like a fire in my heart. I have the overwhelming urge to cry. I have him in my arms, under my thumbs, safe. I used to dream about this; I still dream about this. He’s not exactly mine, but our hearts are woven together so tightly that I think mine might burst without him. But I don’t mind. He’s always been it for me, no matter how I can have him. I can’t explain it, but tears fill my eyes. It’s an intense longing for a future with him, to have him like this every day. The probability of it happening is low.

Lance walks out of the door, and I make eye contact with him. He wiggles his eyebrows and grins at me. _ Not like that, _I mouth. He shakes his head, still smirking. “Time to come inside.”

Shiro jolts out of my arms, his prosthetic glowing purple and raised to strike. He puts it down as soon as he realizes it’s Lance. He looks like a _ wreck. _His hair is all messed up, there are dried tear tracks on his face, and his eyes are red. I probably look about the same. We follow Lance into the room, my pinky latching on to Shiro’s without a second thought. 

Pidge gives us a scrutinizing glance as we walk into the room. “What’s with the glum faces?”

“Fuck off,” which means I have no rational or clever answer to give. She sticks her tongue out at me.

Hunk starts to twist his hands together nervously. “We wanted to apologize for our ignorance and how we acted towards you. Can you please forgive us?” 

“Of course, we’re a team, we have to care for and look out for each other. Just try to communicate more next time with the person you are having a problem with, okay?”

“Yes, Shiro.” They answer.

I’m rocking on my heels, my legs are trembling, and there’s still a budding tension behind my forehead. All I want is to go to a room with Shiro and hug him like a teddy bear until I fall asleep. 

“Keith, do you want to hang out?” The no is on the tip of my tongue, warm and inviting. But then I think about how I’ve hurt him today, and I know that I have to.

“Sure.” Lance grabs my arm and pulls me out of the room. I already miss looking into grey eyes. 


End file.
